Business: One slow afternoon, Bertie’s attractive private banker Natasha called. Ever since he read ‘Where are the clients’ boats?’, Bertie has avoided private bankers. But his inquisitive nature led him to hear about the latest fashions being sold by Rolex. “Hey Bertie” said Natasha. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it!” Bertie mumbled something about being busy. “Poor boy! You work so hard. But you know, we can make your money work even harder.” “We’ve just launched a structured product exclusively for our top clients,” said Natasha. She paused for effect. “It works like this. You agree to pledge a part of your mutual fund portfolio that we already own. We invest the money in a nifty, linked structured product that assures you a 12% return. You don’t have to do anything. Free money. No brainer, right?”
Bertie remembered a line from ‘Customers’ Yachts’; “What’s in it for you?”. He threw it at Natasha. “Nothing Bert, absolutely nothing. A happy customer is the only reward.” Bertie said smiling. “Why don’t we do it with fresh money?” she asked. “Forget all this mortgage work. Assure me 12% on fresh investment.” Bertie heard Natasha muting the line; possibly consulting her boss. She quickly got back on the phone. “We can’t do that Bertie. But think about this offer, naa. It’s only for a limited time.” Bertie knew that the funniest part of the transaction was the interest his personal banker was going to earn on the loan against his mutual fund. Even if everything went according to plan, his net return from the structured product would be a few basis points while Natasha was bronze herself on her yacht.
